C.R. Eldrich

Abe runs into his old friend Hymiein Miami and yells, "Lipshitz, how've you been." Hymie whispers, "My name isn't Hymie Lipshitz any more. I've changed it to C.R. Eldrich." ""Where did you get such a fancy name from," asks Abe. Hymie replies, "Do you remember when we lived on the East Side in new York? I lived on Eldrich Street and alwasys thougt it was a classy name so I took it for myself!" Abe says, "And from where did you get the CR?" Hymie replies, "From the Corner of Rivington!"

Two yidn in Shul

Two yidn are in Shul and they are "davening "

But one of them is looking towards the womens'
sector ,because he saw there a woman that is very attractive.

The other yid says :

Kuk nisht tzu di froien . Dafst davenen .

The other returns to the prayer , but after a while he looks back towards the woman.

His friend is mad at him , and says :

Kuk nisht tzu di froien . HAINT IZ YOM KIPPER!

Then the other answers :

Bai mir in di oizn iz haint SIMJES TOIRE!

The Parrot

A man enters an animal store.
He sees a nice parrot.
The man from the store tells him :
-it is a wonderful parrot... speaks actually in many languages ...

-Oh c'mon ...you'r kidding ...

-No I'm not ..c'mon .try it...speak to him ...

-OK ...let's see ...

parlez vous francais ?

the parrot: oui Monsieur ...

- Let's see

Do you speak English ?

the parrot : Yes Sir!

Habla espa�ol ?

the parrot : Si Se�or.

(the man smiles and thinks ...ha ha now I will get you parrot... )

Yiddish redstu ?

The parrot :

Goilem ! Mit aza nooz zol ich nisht redn Yiddish?

Idioms

Two men, moderately proficient in Yiddish, were lamenting the fact that there are Yiddish expressions that you can't translate well into English. Furthermore, there were some English words that cannot not be easily translated into Yiddish. One man said to the other, I have difficulty finding a Yiddish word that adequately conveys the concept of of the English word "disappointed." His friend said, "My mother speaks only Yiddish. I'll find out from her how to say disappointed in Yiddish."

The man goes to his mother's house and say's "Mama, you know that I always come over for Shabbos dinner every Friday night. How would you feel if, one Friday, I called and said I wouldn't be coming over for Shabbos?" The mother replied, "Oy! Ich'll zein zayer disappointed!"

Vocabulary

1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that ones favourite celebrity is Jewish.

2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember ones lines when called to read from the Torah at ones Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

3. SANTA-SHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbours celebrate Christmas.

4. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

5. BUBBEGUM n. Candy ones mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

6. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

7. DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.

8. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

9. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.

10. HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after ones Bar Mitzvah.

11. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking ones way out of a tight spot.

12. MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

13. MEINSTEIN - slang. "My son, the genius."

14. MISHPOCHADOTS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on ones face and collar after kissing all ones aunts and cousins at a reception.

15. RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbours live in the same condo building as you.

16. ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

17. YIDENTIFY v. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

18. MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

19. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

20. DIS-KVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

21. IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

22. KINDERS SHLEP v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.

23. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out ones wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

24. SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

25. TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork

Baby Powder

A n old lady who speaks no English, only Yiddish, goes into a department store looking to buy some baby powder. She can't find any -
but suddenly spots a sales clerk wearing a kippa. "Yunger mann, kum aher" she calls ."Vu fint m'n der bebbe pooder? "
The sales clerk responds --"Ich vil ihr veizen vu tsu geyen - ober ihr muz geyen punkt azoy vi ich key , nor vi ich gey - nisht andres. Kum noch mir un ich vil ihr veisen vu tsu geyen." And he starts down the aisle with the old lady following. him.
Now -- this clerk happens to be very bow-legged, very noticeably bow-legged.
When the old lady spots his bowed legs, she lets out a g'shrey -- "Ven ich ken azoy geyen, volt ich nisht ge'daft kein bebbe pooder! "

The Vampire

Late at night, a woman is woken from her sleep by a bat suddenly swooping into her room through a window.

She watches as the bat transforms itself into a vampire. She grips the pillow tightly, but is too afraid to speak.

The vampire slowly approaches, but as it almost reaches her, the woman suddenly remembers the cross on her night-stand.

She grabs it tightly, holding it out towards the vampire and, in a trembling voice,cries,

"You can't come closer! I have a cross."

The vampire looks the woman in the eye and responds, "Lady, Es vet dir gornisht helfen!"

Oy!

Four Jewish ladies, at a resort in the Catskills, were in rockers on the veranda and admiring the scenery.

After a while the first woman sighed, "Oy!" The others sighed sympathetically.

Then the second woman sighed, "Oy Vey!"

The others nodded.

A third woman said, "Oy, Gottenyu!"

The others nodded as if in agreement.

Finally, the fourth woman said, "Enough talk about the children. Let's go for a walk!"

Sign of the times

Miriam, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Finchley in north west London.

She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?" The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."

Miriam then says, "Vot Time is It?"