The sermon

The rabbi is speaking to his lower East Side congregation and he says, "with Hashem's help we shall walk but first, we must crawl." The congregation replies to the Rebbe with exclamations of "ahmein Rabbi, im yirtze Hashem we shall crawl."

The rabbi then says, "and soon, we will run but before we can run, with Hashem's help, we must firts walk. Again, the pious members of the minyan all reply, "im yirtze Hashem, we shall walk."

The rabbi then works himself into a rhetorical frenzy as he exclaims, and we shall reach the promised land. Hashem shall provide but first we must run. The ecstatic congregation gleefully shouts back ahmein rabbi, we shall run. Im yirtze Hashem, we shall run."

The rabbi concludes his sermon by stating, "and we will reach that promised land if you dig deep into your hearts and checkbooks and make a generous pledge to the building fund!!" The congregation then replies, crawl Rabbi, crawl. I'm yirtze Hashem, we shall crawl."

The Masserati

A Jewish man buys a brand new Masserati. He loves the car so much that he wants to have it blessed by a rabbi.

He finds an Orthodox rabbi and asks him, "Rabbi, would you say a blessing over my new Masserati?" The rabbi thinks for a moment, looks at him strangely, and replies, "What's a Masserati?"

So the man finds a Conservative rabbi and asks him the same, "Rabbi, would you say a blessing over my new Masserati?" The rabbi thinks for a moment, looks at him strangely, and replies, "What's a Masserati?"

Nearly giving up all hope, the man finds a Reform rabbi and begs him, "Rabbi, would you say a blessing over my new Masserati?" The rabbi thinks for a moment, looks at him strangely, and replies, "What's a blessing?"

gentile and rabbi

A gentile one asked Rabbi Goldberg,
"Tell me, Rabbi, is it true that a Jew always answers a question with another one?"

The rabbi eyed him suspiciously and replied
"Who told you that?"

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Abraham took his son to see the Rabbi to have him circumcised. Just as he was arriving, he met the Rabbi, who informed him that he couldn't oblige as he was just going on holiday and would be late for the plane. "However", said the Rabbi, "I have a friend in Hatton Garden, London, who can help you out". He gave him the address and off Abraham and son went. When they arrived at the address, they found it to be a shop, apparently selling clocks and watches. They went in and enquired of the owner if he was the person recommended by the Rabbi. "Yes, my son, that's what I do for a living", was the reply. Said Abraham, "if you perform circumcisions for a living, why do you have clocks and watches in your window"? Came the reply, "What you want I should put in the window?

A Rabbi and the Pope

A Rabbi visiting Rome had the good fortune to have an audience with the Pope. While talking about things, the Rabbi noticed a red phone on the Pope's desk.

The Rabbi asks what the phone was for. The Pope informs him that it's a direct line to G-d.

The Rabbi askes if he can use it and the pope says of course but that he should leave $100 for the call. The Rabbi thank him and uses the phone.

A few months later, the Pope was visiting the US and makes sure to make a stop to visit his new Rabbi friend. While talking, the Pope notices a red phone on the Rabbi's desk.

The Pope asks if the phone is what he thinks it is and the Rabbi says of course. The Pope askes if he can use the phone and the Rabbi said that he may bt that he needed to leave $0.50 for the call.

The Pope was surpised and asked, "You use my phone and I ask you to leave $100 and, yet, when I use your phone I am to leave only $0.50. Why is that?"

The Rabbi smiled and replied, "Because here it is a local call."

When does life begin?

A priest, a vicar and a rabbi are asked the question "When does life begin?"
The priest says: "The moment of conception".
The vicar replies: "The moment of birth".
The rabbi replies: "The moment the kids are married and the mortgage has been paid off."

Angry Rabbi

Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals."
"Why," asked the Rabbi.
"Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal."
"That's twice you've broken the law but you still haven't told me why."
"The food wasn't kosher."
"You ate non-kosher food?" asked the Rabbi.
"It wasn't a Jewish restaurant."
"That makes it even worse," said the now angry Rabbi. "Couldn't you have eaten in a kosher one?"
"What, on Yom Kippur?"

The Cow From Minsk

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

C.R. Eldrich

Abe runs into his old friend Hymiein Miami and yells, "Lipshitz, how've you been." Hymie whispers, "My name isn't Hymie Lipshitz any more. I've changed it to C.R. Eldrich." ""Where did you get such a fancy name from," asks Abe. Hymie replies, "Do you remember when we lived on the East Side in new York? I lived on Eldrich Street and alwasys thougt it was a classy name so I took it for myself!" Abe says, "And from where did you get the CR?" Hymie replies, "From the Corner of Rivington!"

Two yidn in Shul

Two yidn are in Shul and they are "davening "

But one of them is looking towards the womens'
sector ,because he saw there a woman that is very attractive.

The other yid says :

Kuk nisht tzu di froien . Dafst davenen .

The other returns to the prayer , but after a while he looks back towards the woman.

His friend is mad at him , and says :

Kuk nisht tzu di froien . HAINT IZ YOM KIPPER!

Then the other answers :

Bai mir in di oizn iz haint SIMJES TOIRE!