Paris flighting

A recorded customer service call at Private Jet Services Inc., of a brief conversation with Paris Hilton was making the rounds internally until management deleted it. According to internal sources, Paris called the PJS service center and said “This is Paris Hilton. Can you tell me how long it will take to fly from Los Angeles to Las Vegas?” The agent replied, “Just a minute Miss Hilton.” To which Paris replied “Wow that’s great! Thank you.” and hung up.

Magic mirror

Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan find a magic mirror. the mirror tells them that if they say something good that they think about themselves, they get their hearts desire. however, if it’s a lie, they get sucked into the mirror for ever. Britney steps up and says “I think I’m the smartest girl in the world” and she gets sucked in. Lindsay says “I think I’m the prettiest girl in the world” and she gets sucked in. Paris says “I think…” and gets sucked in.

Keys Locked in the Car

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were shopping when Paris suddenly realized she locked her keys in the car. So they went back and Paris got out her tweezers to try to pick the lock. She tried for a couple of minutes and then Nicole gave it a try. “Hurry!” Paris said. “It’s starting to rain. And the top is down!”

Paris Hilton driving

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are driving down the highway in a convertible. Lindsay knows that she’s speeding so she asks Paris if there’s a cop behind them. The Paris looks behind her and sees a cop and says “Oh shit. There is a cop behind us.” Lindsay says “That sucks. Are his lights on?” Paris says “Yes…No…Yes…No…Yes…No”

Paris Hilton "Simple Life"

Q. Why were Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie fired from their “Simple Life” job at a banana company?

A. They threw out all of the bent ones.

3 cops

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."
The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."
The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

Sheriff

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

Swat Team

The murderer was holed up in his house, and the SWAT team was trying to get him out.
A cop got on the bullhorn and said, "Come on out, or I'm going to come in there and drag you out!"
The murderer called back, "I'm warning you. If you don't wipe your feet when you come in, my wife will kill us both!"

LAPD

LAPD OFFICER: "We arrested this man beating the living daylights out of some poor slob for no reason at all! What should we charge him with?"
DESK SERGEANT: "Impersonating an Officer."

Bubba and Clem

Bubba and Clem found three hand grenades and they decided that they better take them to the police station.
"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.
"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."

Blonde Puzzle

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."

Bus stop blondes

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.

When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:''Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?''

The bus driver shakes his head and says,''No, I'm sorry.''

At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ''Will it take ME?''

Three blondes

There were three blondes living together. Blonde #1 was coming back from grocery shopping, and she dropped her keys. She walked down the stairs to get them, and she said to herself, ''Am I going up the stairs or down the stairs?'' So, she stood there puzzled, the bags of groceries still in her hands.

Blonde #2 was taking a bath, and was draining the tub because it was too cold. With her hair still dry, she said to herself, ''Was I getting in the tub or out of the tub?'' She stood there, just thinking about it.

Blonde #3 was sitting in the living room in front of the coffee table, and she said to herself, ''Knock on wood I'm not as stupid as the other two!'' She knocked the table. ''Was that the front door or the back door?''

Blonde job application

On an application form, what does a blonde put down for ''SEX?''

''Lots.''

Blonde with Half a Brain

What do you call a blonde with a half a brain?

Gifted

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging
their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other
knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
 The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet
back."