Nobody Listens Anymore

The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."
"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."

Re-enactment

Q: Five policemen were on a boat. The boat sank. How many policemen died?
A: 10. Five during the accident, and five during the re-enactment.

Little Johnny

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

Theater Guest

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."

LAPD II

How does an LA policeman go fishing?

He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells him where the others are.

Drunk Driver

There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.
"YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer.
"Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."

Stiff one

A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit. After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"

Recruit

Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!

Pull Over!

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

Blonde 911

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

Late For Work

For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 A.M. on the dot ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation.
All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his name tag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly freakin' killed myself."
And the sergeant said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

Can You Spell That

A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia."
As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

Fire-arm

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You

10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.
9. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot."
8. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
6. He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.
5. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
4. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
3. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
2. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
1. Your locker is also the broom closet!!

The Cop Stop

A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.
The cop pulled the guy out of the car and worked him over for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'

Burglary Lessons

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

How Much Is That One?

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"
The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

Head on curb

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.
He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratches out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head.
"Head on curb."

I am a policeman

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

The Tourist

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."

The Rabbi and the Priest

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

LAPD

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Too drunk

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

The Juggler

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

Blonde cop

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

Helpful Wife

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

Britney and Kevin

What did Britney say to Kevin when they were in bed ?
Hit me baby one more time.

Queen of England

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John?
Princess Diana never became a queen of England

Genius

Why is there three cops in patrol car? Because one can read and wright and other two are protecting the genius.

Black or white

Sources close to Michael Jackson say he's planning on leaving the country. He wants to live in either Africa or Switzerland.
Why is everything either black or white with this guy?

Fire

What did Michael Jackson say when he was in a fire?
'Help! I'm melting!'

Blender

What's black, white, red and screams "Oww!"?
Michael Jackson in a blender.

Chess or checkers

Why can't Michael play chess or checkers?
He couldn't decide if he was black or white.

Bottom

Q: Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
A: He doesn't mind reaching bottom.

Macaulay Culkin

Q: Why did Michael invite Macaulay Culkin to the house?
A: He's like the little boy he never had.

Youngstown

Q: Why does Michael Jackson want to move to Ohio?
A: He heard there's a Youngstown there.

Inner child

Q: Why does Michael Jackson get so many face changes?
A: He's trying to reach his inner child.

Bubbles

Q: Why did Michael Jackson fail to renew his contract with Pepsi?
A: Because he found out that the main ingredient was Bubbles!

Balcony

Q: Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby over a balcony?
A: Because he overheard his wife asking someone to drop the children off a few stories.

Perfect "10"

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Michael Jackson

Q: Whats black, white and plastic?
A: Michael Jackson

Pocket

Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand.

Figuring out

Q: What's the first problem the Michael's child will have in life?
A: Figuring out which parent is his mother.

Mr. Potato Head

Q: What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
A: Michael Jackson has had more noses.

Minors

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan?
A: One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.

Casper

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

Chinese name

Q: What's Michael Jackson's Chinese name?
A: Melikeemyoung.

First words

Q: What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?
A: Which one's mommy?

Gospel song

Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song?
A: "And then he touched me"

Two faced

Q: What is Michael Jackson's downfall when it comes to making friends?
A: He is two faced.

Plastic surgery

Q: What does Michael Jackson say when he was undergoing plastic surgery?
A: 'Don't stop 'til you get enough!'

First nose

Q: What does Michael Jackson reminisce about when he gets nostalgic?
A: Blowing his first nose.

Mets

Q: What do any of the Mets have in common with Michael Jackson?
A: They all wear one glove for no apparent reason.

LaToya

Q: What do you call Michael Jackson with a suntan?
A: LaToya.

Xbox

Q: What do Michael Jackson and an xbox have in common?
A: Both get turned on by kids!!!

Dr. Spock

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Dr. Spock have in common?
A: They both know how to rear a child.

Aladdin

Michael said to Debbie one night, "I fancy some entertainment, what shall we do?"
To which Debbie replied "I know we'll get a video."
Michael then said "Great, I'll get Aladdin."
Debbie said speedily "No Michael, You have been in trouble for that before."

Woody Allen

Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
A: Got two fives for a ten?

Nose

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.

Youth

Q: How does Michael Jackson keep his youth?
A: Pizza and Nintendo.

Company

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a Big Wheel parked outside his house!

Toaster

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
A: The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.

Wrong side of the bed

Q. How does Michael Jackson know when he's gotten up on the wrong side of the bed.
A. He tries to put his pants on, but they're way too small.

Nose job

Male Reporter: So tell me Michael, did it hurt?
Michael: Did what hurt? Falling from heaven?
Male Reporter: No, the nose job!

Space

It was reported the other day that Michael Jackson wants to be one of the first civilians to travel into space.
A spokesperson for NASA said, "We're fine with the idea but the only problem is Jackson insists on coming back".

Car stereo

I just bought a new car stereo... When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music. When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted "f***ing kids!", and it played Michael Jackson.

Reporter

I heard that shortly before having Michael Jackson's baby, the woman who was impregnated by him was asked some questions by some reporters:
Reporter: Have you been able to determine its sex?
Woman: No. I want to wait until after it's born. As long as it's healthy.
Reporter: Ma'am, I was referring to Michael.

Michael fans

A reporter is talking to a group of Michael Jackson fans outside his court case: 'You're all huge Michael fans right? so on a scale of one to ten.... how old do you think Michael's boyfriend is?'

Just Beat it

Q: What did the director tell Michael Jackson to do when his hair on caught on fire during the infamous Pepsi commercial?
A: Beat it! Just Beat it!!

Elevator II

Britney Spears decides to go out with her two new buddies, Shaggy and Craig David. They decide to go to the mall and thus enter the elevator to descend. Suddenly, one of them farts. Shaggy: 'It Wasn't Me' Craig: 'I'm Walking Away' Britney: 'Oops, I Did It Again!' Embarrassed by this predicament, Britney decides to make up for it by taking them out again. They catch a train and leave the station when, believe it or not, someone farts again. Shaggy: 'It Wasn't Me' Craig: 'I'm Walking Away' Britney: 'Stronger, Than Yesterday!'

Elevator

Britney Spears, Usher and the Black Eyed Peas were all in an elevator. Someone farted.
Usher said ' Its my confessions. I didnt do it'
Black Eyed Pea's said 'Didnt come out of my hump' and Britney Spears said 'Oops I did it again' then they all got off and thats how Britney Spears lost all popularity she ever had.

Britney Spears joke

Q: What Do Britney Spears and Barbie have in common?
A: They're both blonde, plastic and brainless!